Oh, School....

For Record Keeping Sakes:

I am not sure I told everyone in my life, but when the girls were born...well, way before, we decided that they'd attend school in the same time frame as a Brazilian.  Over there, they send children to school quite early.  Working parents do daycare and stay at home parents do nursery school.  Nursery school over there, usually starts at the age of 3.  So, that is what we decided for our girls too.

I went to Montessori school as a child.  It was the most magical time in my life.  I can still remember step by step the things I did in those many years.  In my humble opinion, as a parent and as a teacher/educator (if I can still call myself those), it is the best method out there.

Before we came to Texas, we did a lot of research on the Montessori schools in town and finally came down to a particular one.  Like most Montessori schools in America, this one is very pricey.  It's a full-time program and again, the girls are only 3.

The days before school started, I thought I'd feel myself feeling one of two things:  a.excitement to have some freedom or  b.fear of loneliness.  But, I felt absolutely nothing.  I thought that it was mostly because I was ready for it.

The following are a few status updates on a certain social networking site, on the first Thursday of school:

"Emma Barrus starting to second guess preschool...

I feel like the loser mom that wants her kids always under her wing. All this week, I have tried to play cool and just enjoy my time alone. But, it hasn't been easy. These two girls are my life. 2 days ago, Ella had sad puppy eyes when I dropped her off. Yesterday, she cried, but got off the car just fine. Then, today, she hung on so...tightly and screamed saying she was going to miss me too much. I cried all the way home.  

When it's time for pick up, I try to be there right on time...both girls just sit by the gate and wait, while the other kids play. They are so excited when they see my white van pull in, they jump up and down and start yelling with excitement. The first thing they say is how much they've missed me and thanks for the yummy lunch.

This all day deal is killing me in many ways. One of them is that I just get a few hours with them a day and then, they go to bed. I feel like someone else is getting to enjoy the greatest and most incredible kids on the earth and that someone is not me.

I went to a school exactly like this and for the exact same period and I was the same age. ... I feel that once again, I have come to a crossroads between being a Brazilian mom and an American mom. Brazilian moms are all about school, at least all the ones I know. Brazilian women are so career oriented. Then, most of the American moms I know, are mother hens. I used to think that was funny, but really...it's so beautiful and special...

So, here I sit...trying to decide if this is for ME...I miss my girls too much. I miss kissing them all the time and whenever I want to. I miss their little voices throughout the house. I miss seeing them in their swimsuits, wrapped around their inner tubes, playing with their little friends. 

They are most likely the only kids I will ever have and the thought that they are getting too big too fast, hurts me.

Maybe I am just a loser mom...and I need to allow them to experience this. I need to let them grow.

I will cry in the meanwhile!

Maybe I need to use this time and find myself. I really never wanted a career....and much as I loved what I did before having children...this motherhood thing has defined me.

It hasn't been easy, but...I have learned along the way.

I also fear that if I keep them home, I will be holding them back. They aren't very socially mature and I think that in part...it's my fault....

Argh! I need to stop!

I need my husband back. I am tired of this Law School deal and it hasn't even started. We were just not made to be apart and here we have lived for 2 months this way. I hate it...

One more thing...Nina has loved it. It hasn't surprised me. She has been ready for this for a long time. She is also a lot more detached than Ella is. But, tonight, after her bath, she told me that she doesn't want to go to school because she misses me too much. I sat there and hugged her.

Stace cried when I told him.

There are many options, of course. My fear of pulling them out after the first week is that it would hurt Nina. She just loves it....

We can send them to a different program, a normal preschool program (not Montessori), 3 times a week...which would cost us a fraction and they'd be there just 3 times a week in the morning.

Something inside of me tells me that I am just being my normal quitter self. I am a quitter, for those that didn't know. Then, there is the part that tells me to just pull them out and let them be home.

Can I say again...that I miss my husband. I am tired of being alone...

One more thing...my brother just read this and he'd like to make it known that I am not a quitter. He said that if anything...my life is a testament that I stick with things. He said that it's better to start something and know that it wasn't for me...than to not start at all.

What a good kid, this boy turned out to be!


Their school is M-F 7:30 to 3:30.

My fear with a normal preschool is that the girls are quite ahead of the learning curve. They can do a lot more than what they teach in preschool. What they don't have is the social...but, since moving to TX, they have made so many little friends and it truly has helped....

I think my heart is screaming to pull them out....and I just need to be sure that's what I am going to do. Either way,I hope the girls understands.

I have found a different school here with a part time/3 times a week program."
  
I think it's obvious by now what we decided to do.  On that first Friday, I got there early with every intention of pulling them out.  I got there, parked my car and watched them march from the classroom to the playground.  They were laughing and singing, with their little hands behind their backs.  Then, once they got to the playground, they proceeded to give everyone a hug.  That made me decide that they were in the right place.

I want to make a separate post about the parent/teacher conference last week.  But, I will say that after it, I walked to my car and cried.  My heart was bursting with pride after listening to the words of the teacher.  My children have turned into incredible little individuals...I cannot believe it! 

They are in a perfect place.  They have so many friends that they just adore.  They love the teacher and she is so experienced.  They are so happy and they have learned so much.

I am grateful for feeling all those emotions above.  I go on about life thinking that I am the least emotional person in the world, and then, I have stuff like that happen.  Thank goodness for that!

*For the first month or so, they asked us to take a picture of them every single morning!