Look at what they've learned to do...

 

We were playing outside after school today and I saw the girls working the on the masterpieces above. 

I am so proud!

Sunday Thoughts...

It's Sunday again and I can totally tell that fall has come to Texas and might be here to stay.  Up until last week, it was still in the 90s here and it felt very much like mid-summer.  But, for the past 3 days, we've woken up to gloomy skies and "cold" weather...cold here is on the 70s.  Ha! 

I woke up to a very achey Stace.  The past few weeks, he has been complaining of back pain.  In my head, it's a combination of monkeying around with the girls, carrying two very, very heavy bag packs all the time and every day, and lack of exercise.  He was in so much pain that he didn't want to change positions.  So, I got up, got him some milk and some medicine.  Then, pulled a little massage machine he gave me a few Christmases ago and some icy-hot and massaged the area.

He laid there and went on to tell me how much he loves me.  He said that everyday, he loves me more and that I am the girl of his dreams.  He said I take such good care of him and went on and on.  This man tells me he loves me every 20 minutes, every day.  It's been like this since we were first married.  Some days, he will hug me out of nowhere and tell me more detailed why he loves me so much.  It's an everyday thing, every 20 minutes or so thing.  Yes, lucky girl.

So, today, as I went to church, after being showered by his love...  I was happy to hear the lesson in Relief Society be on Eternal Marriages.  The teacher provoked so many thoughts and the little moment I had with Stace this morning helped to.  I think the message I gained is that marriage is about selflessness and truly about service. 

My marriage is far from perfect.  It is also a very good marriage.  We are so different from each other and that helps with points of view.  He has helped me see things in different ways and that helps me act differently that I would have otherwise.  And, I'd like to think that it's vice versa.  We very, very seldom argue.  We do disagree, but we also have a lot of respect for each other.  I have never heard Stace raise his voice to me.  Thank goodness.    I have seen him angry at someone once and it terrified me...I didn't know that man was inside my husband...

Stace, regardless of how busy he is, is always taking time to help me.  Running this home, our business, and taking care of him and the girls are my "jobs."  He is responsible for his school and the lawn.  But, he still makes dinner once in a while, bathes girls, gets up with me and does their hair for school...and so on.  It means so much to me, more than words can describe.  He finds strength somewhere to serve me.  I love him.

I am surrounded by people with very good marriages, thank goodness.  They are such good examples to me.  Almost every day, I think, in-depth, of different people around me.  People that silently, teach me something and make a HUGE difference in my life. 

Lately, I've been thinking about friends who have just recently gone through what I am going through right now, grad school.  Their experiences are always popping up in my mind, wherever I am pleading with the Lord for help.  I am lonely, overwhelmed, clueless...you name it.  But, every time I ask the Lord how to do this or that, the experiences of my friends, come up in my mind! 

Today, I thought of a friend, Karla, who I have known since we were 18 and yet...we have never met in person.  When her husband decided to go to Law School, she took upon herself stuff like making sure the cars had gas and oil changes...things like that.  She had two kids, two dogs, and all the work that comes with that...and she decided to add car maintenance.  I love this girl...for many reasons, but especially for the little things she is always teaching me. 

Yesterday, I was thinking about another friend, Amy, whose husband just spent the past few years in school to be a chiropractor.  I cannot tell you, how many times, I read her saying how he had finals and boards, and other crazy tests, leaving her alone with 2 kids for endless hours.  As a mom, I know how hard that is...and yet, she sounded so positive and so thankful that he was out there giving his best for THEIR future.  Wow...I love women like that!

Now, I can go on and on about other friends.  Those are just two happen to be in my mind as of late. 

I love marriage.  I love people that work hard on theirs and make me learn from it.  I love that I have these examples in life!  I am grateful to say that I am mostly surrounded by people who look at their spouse as a gift.  I love them for that!





 

Oh, School....

For Record Keeping Sakes:

I am not sure I told everyone in my life, but when the girls were born...well, way before, we decided that they'd attend school in the same time frame as a Brazilian.  Over there, they send children to school quite early.  Working parents do daycare and stay at home parents do nursery school.  Nursery school over there, usually starts at the age of 3.  So, that is what we decided for our girls too.

I went to Montessori school as a child.  It was the most magical time in my life.  I can still remember step by step the things I did in those many years.  In my humble opinion, as a parent and as a teacher/educator (if I can still call myself those), it is the best method out there.

Before we came to Texas, we did a lot of research on the Montessori schools in town and finally came down to a particular one.  Like most Montessori schools in America, this one is very pricey.  It's a full-time program and again, the girls are only 3.

The days before school started, I thought I'd feel myself feeling one of two things:  a.excitement to have some freedom or  b.fear of loneliness.  But, I felt absolutely nothing.  I thought that it was mostly because I was ready for it.

The following are a few status updates on my Facebook, on the first Thursday of school:

"Emma Barrus starting to second guess preschool...

I feel like the loser mom that wants her kids always under her wing. All this week, I have tried to play cool and just enjoy my time alone. But, it hasn't been easy. These two girls are my life. 2 days ago, Ella had sad puppy eyes when I dropped her off. Yesterday, she cried, but got off the car just fine. Then, today, she hung on so...tightly and screamed saying she was going to miss me too much. I cried all the way home.  

When it's time for pick up, I try to be there right on time...both girls just sit by the gate and wait, while the other kids play. They are so excited when they see my white van pull in, they jump up and down and start yelling with excitement. The first thing they say is how much they've missed me and thanks for the yummy lunch.

This all day deal is killing me in many ways. One of them is that I just get a few hours with them a day and then, they go to bed. I feel like someone else is getting to enjoy the greatest and most incredible kids on the earth and that someone is not me.

I went to a school exactly like this and for the exact same period and I was the same age. ... I feel that once again, I have come to a crossroads between being a Brazilian mom and an American mom. Brazilian moms are all about school, at least all the ones I know. Brazilian women are so career oriented. Then, most of the American moms I know, are mother hens. I used to think that was funny, but really...it's so beautiful and special...

So, here I sit...trying to decide if this is for ME...I miss my girls too much. I miss kissing them all the time and whenever I want to. I miss their little voices throughout the house. I miss seeing them in their swimsuits, wrapped around their inner tubes, playing with their little friends. 

They are most likely the only kids I will ever have and the thought that they are getting too big too fast, hurts me.

Maybe I am just a loser mom...and I need to allow them to experience this. I need to let them grow.

I will cry in the meanwhile!

Maybe I need to use this time and find myself. I really never wanted a career....and much as I loved what I did before having children...this motherhood thing has defined me.

It hasn't been easy, but...I have learned along the way.

I also fear that if I keep them home, I will be holding them back. They aren't very socially mature and I think that in part...it's my fault....

Argh! I need to stop!

I need my husband back. I am tired of this Law School deal and it hasn't even started. We were just not made to be apart and here we have lived for 2 months this way. I hate it...

One more thing...Nina has loved it. It hasn't surprised me. She has been ready for this for a long time. She is also a lot more detached than Ella is. But, tonight, after her bath, she told me that she doesn't want to go to school because she misses me too much. I sat there and hugged her.

Stace cried when I told him.

There are many options, of course. My fear of pulling them out after the first week is that it would hurt Nina. She just loves it....

We can send them to a different program, a normal preschool program (not Montessori), 3 times a week...which would cost us a fraction and they'd be there just 3 times a week in the morning.

Something inside of me tells me that I am just being my normal quitter self. I am a quitter, for those that didn't know. Then, there is the part that tells me to just pull them out and let them be home.

Can I say again...that I miss my husband. I am tired of being alone...

One more thing...my brother just read this and he'd like to make it known that I am not a quitter. He said that if anything...my life is a testament that I stick with things. He said that it's better to start something and know that it wasn't for me...than to not start at all.

What a good kid, this boy turned out to be!


Their school is M-F 7:30 to 3:30.

My fear with a normal preschool is that the girls are quite ahead of the learning curve. They can do a lot more than what they teach in preschool. What they don't have is the social...but, since moving to TX, they have made so many little friends and it truly has helped....

I think my heart is screaming to pull them out....and I just need to be sure that's what I am going to do. Either way,I hope the girls understands.

I have found a different school here with a part time/3 times a week program."
  
I think it's obvious by now what we decided to do.  On that first Friday, I got there early with every intention of pulling them out.  I got there, parked my car and watched them march from the classroom to the playground.  They were laughing and singing, with their little hands behind their backs.  Then, once they got to the playground, they proceeded to give everyone a hug.  That made me decide that they were in the right place.

I want to make a separate post about the parent/teacher conference last week.  But, I will say that after it, I walked to my car and cried.  My heart was bursting with pride after listening to the words of the teacher.  My children have turned into incredible little individuals...I cannot believe it! 

They are in a perfect place.  They have so many friends that they just adore.  They love the teacher and she is so experienced.  They are so happy and they have learned so much.

I am grateful for feeling all those emotions above.  I go on about life thinking that I am the least emotional person in the world, and then, I have stuff like that happen.  Thank goodness for that!

*For the first month or so, they asked us to take a picture of them every single morning!

It's been a while...

So, after much thinking on my part, I have decided to go public with my blog once again.  I was pretty sure I'd leave it private because there are a few people that I'd rather not know about my life, but...like terrorism, I can't let them control what I do and don't.

I want to say that this is mostly thanks to Stephanie Nielson's appearance on Oprah yesterday.  I knew very little about her, but totally fell in love with her yesterday.  It totally warmed my heart!  It also made me think about something else that I learned while at BYU.  In one of my classes, someone told the professor that they didn't want to bring children to this world because of how bad it had gotten.  The professor said that in these latter days, what will make a difference and make us stand out is our vision of families and how we raise them.  It will be our standard of truth.  At the time, I thought he was just being a BYU professor, but, last night...it made sense.

Stace* has always advocated for a public blog, regardless of the fact that "those" people get access and read it.  He thinks that people should know of my struggles with depression and how I manage to make it regardless of how hard it is.  He thinks people will gain something by knowing about my awful childhood, or about losing my mother to breast cancer at such a young age and how I have to this day not completely gotten over it.  He thinks that it is important for people to know how I have conquered alcoholism and how freeing it's been!  He thinks that one day someone will look at my story and it will be as a testimony to them of the church and of how the fact that I don't have to be perfect every day, I just have to try my best and that way I make my imperfections less apparent.  

So, I am back publicly...let's see where this will take me!

*have I mention how much I love this man?

Annoyance #20,000

I heard this today and it reminded me that I must make a note on here.

I heard someone telling someone else that if she had known that a woman is pregnant for 10 months, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant...even though she had to use a lot of fertility intervention to do so. How freaking ungrateful!

Seriously...shut up!

I hate the whole I was pregnant 10 months story. Yes, I get that 40 weeks is almost equivalent to 10 months. I am a Math teacher, must I remind everyone.

But, since you must count according to your last period...and taking into consideration that really, you are pregnant 2 weeks instead of 4 in the first month...and considering that most women find out after those 4 weeks....plus, discounting the 5-week months...it's really 9 months. Regardless, I don't freaking understand what the difference is at the end.

I know...I am dumb to rationalize everything. But, oh...it's just so annoying!

And...I know how those last few weeks feel like. I carried two big babies-at the same time- full term and worked full-time and developed an awful condition towards the end and all while I was still going to school! So....give me a break!

Off my soap box...for now!

In Honor...

In honor of the General Relief Society Meeting tonight...

I will post my very, very favorite talk of all times...

To the Women of the Church

President Gordon B. Hinckley

Thank you for being the kind of people you are and doing the things you do. May the blessings of heaven rest upon you.

Someone has said: "Be kind to the women. They constitute half the population and are mothers to the other half."

My dear sisters, you marvelous women who have chosen the better part, I stand in great admiration for all that you do. I see your hands in everything.

Many of you are mothers, and that is enough to occupy one's full time.

You are companions—the very best friends your husbands have or ever will have.

You are housekeepers. That doesn't sound like much, does it? But what a job it is to keep a house clean and tidy.

You are shoppers. Until I got older I never dreamed of what a demanding responsibility it is to keep food in the pantry, to keep clothing neat and presentable, to buy all that is needed to keep a home running.

You are nurses. With every illness that comes along, you are the first to be told about it and the first to respond with help. In cases of serious sickness, you are at the bedside day and night, comforting, encouraging, ministering, praying.

You are the family chauffeur. You are driving your children about on paper routes, taking them to athletic events, driving them on ward outings, hauling here, there, and everywhere as they pursue their busy lives.

And so I might go on. My children are now all grown. Some are in their 60s. But when they call and I answer the phone, they say, "How are you?" And before I can answer, they ask, "Is Mother there?"

She has been their strength all of their lives. Since they were babies they have looked to her, and she has always responded with affection, guidance, teaching, blessing their lives in every way.

Now we have granddaughters who are mothers. They visit us, and I marvel at their patience, at their capacity to calm their children, to stop them from crying, and it seems to me to do a thousand other things.

They drive cars, they run computers, they attend the activities of their children, they cook and sew, they teach classes, and they speak in church.

I see their husbands, and I feel like saying to them: "Wake up. Carry your share of the load. Do you really appreciate your wife? Do you know how much she does? Do you ever compliment her? Do you ever say thanks to her?"

Well, you dear women, I say thanks to you. Thank you for being the kind of people you are and doing the things you do. May the blessings of heaven rest upon you. May your prayers be answered and your hopes and dreams become realities.

You serve so well in the Church. You think it is so demanding. It is. But with every responsibility fulfilled, there comes a great reward.

Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient.

We all feel that way. I feel that way as I speak to you tonight. I long for, I pray for the power and the capacity to lift you, to inspire you, to thank you, to praise you, and to bring a measure of gladness into your hearts.

We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do.

I remember going to a stake conference in the East many years ago. On the plane coming home, I felt that I had been a total failure. I felt I had not touched anyone for good. I was miserable with a sense of inadequacy.

Then, some years later, I was at another conference in California. At the conclusion of the meeting a man came up to me and said, "You were at a conference a few years ago in such-and-such a place."

"Yes," I said, "I was there, and I remember the occasion."

The man said: "You touched my heart. I came to that meeting out of curiosity. I really had no interest. I was on the verge of leaving the Church. But when it was announced that one of the Twelve Apostles would be there, I decided to go.

"You said something that started me to think. It touched me and stayed with me and stirred me. I decided to alter my course. I turned my life around. I am now living here in California. I have a good job, for which I am grateful. I hope I am a good husband and father. And I am now serving as a counselor in the bishopric of my ward. I am happier than I have ever been at any time in my life."

I thanked him, and when I left him I said to myself, shaking my head: "You never know. You never know whether you do any good. You never know how much good you do."

Now, my dear sisters, that is the way with you. You are doing the best you can, and that best results in good to yourself and to others. Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do. Then leave the matter in the hands of the Lord. You will discover that you have accomplished something beyond price.

Now, we have a very diverse group to whom I am speaking. This includes young women who are still in school or who are working. You are single. You are hoping to catch that perfect man. I have yet to see one who is perfect. Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are that you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.

Some of you, unfortunately, will never marry in this life. That turns out to be the case sometimes. If that happens, do not spend your life grieving over it. The world still needs your talents. It needs your contribution. The Church needs your faith. It needs your strong, helping hand. Life is never a failure until we call it such. There are so many who need your helping hands, your loving smile, your tender thoughtfulness. I see so many capable, attractive, wonderful women whom romance has passed by. I do not understand it, but I know that in the plan of the Almighty, the eternal plan which we call God's plan of happiness, there will be opportunity and reward for all who seek them.

To you young women with small children, yours is a tremendous challenge. So often there is not enough money. You must scrimp and save. You must be wise and careful in your expenditures. You must be strong and bold and brave and march forward with gladness in your eye and love in your heart. How blessed you are, my dear young mothers. You have children who will be yours forever. I hope that you have been sealed in the house of the Lord and that your family will be an everlasting family in the kingdom of our Father.

May you be given strength to carry your heavy load, to meet every obligation, to walk side by side with a good and faithful and caring man, and together with him rear and nurture and bring up your children in righteousness and truth. Nothing else you will ever own, no worldly thing you will ever acquire will be worth so much as the love of your children. God bless you, my dear, dear young mothers.

Then we have you older women who are neither young nor old. You are in the most wonderful season of your lives. Your children are in their teens. Possibly one or two are married. Some are on missions, and you are sacrificing to keep them in the field. You are hoping and praying for their success and happiness. To you dear women I offer some special counsel.

Count your blessings; name them one by one. You don't need a great big mansion of a house with an all-consuming mortgage that goes on forever. You do need a comfortable and pleasant home where love abides. Someone has said that there is no more beautiful picture than that of a good woman cooking a meal for those she loves. Weigh carefully that which you do. You do not need some of the extravagances that working outside the home might bring. Weigh carefully the importance of your being in the home when your children come from school.

Mothers, take good care of your daughters. Be close to them. Listen to them. Talk with them. Lead them from doing foolish things. Guide them into doing the right thing. See that they dress in a comely and modest fashion. Safeguard them from the terrible evils that are all about them.

Nurture your sons with love and counsel. Teach them the importance of personal cleanliness, of neatness in their dress. Sloppy ways lead to sloppy lives. Instill in them a sense of discipline. Keep them worthy of service to the Church as missionaries. Give them things to do so that they may learn to work. Teach them to be frugal. Labor and frugality lead to prosperity. Teach them that nothing really good happens after 11 o'clock at night. And do not spoil them. If they go on missions, they may be compelled to live in circumstances that you would not wish for them. Do not worry about them. Give them encouragement.

Stir within your children the desire for education. This is the latchkey to success in life. And at the same time, teach them that as President David O. McKay was wont to remind us, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."¹

Now I speak to you single mothers whose burdens are so heavy because you have been abandoned or have been widowed. Yours is a terrible load. Bear it well. Seek the blessings of the Lord. Be grateful for any assistance that may come out of the quorums of the priesthood to help you in your home or with other matters. Pray silently in your closet, and let the tears flow if they must come. But put a smile on your face whenever you are before your children or others.

Now to you dear grandmothers, you older widows, and older lonely women. How beautiful you are. I look upon my dear wife, soon to be 92 years of age. Her hair is white; her frame is stooped.

I take one of her hands in mine and look at it. Once it was so beautiful, the flesh firm and clear. Now it is wrinkled and a little bony and not very strong. But it speaks of love and constancy and faith, of hard work through the years. Her memory is not what it once was. She can remember things that happened half a century ago but may not remember what happened half an hour ago. I am like that, too.

But I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the veil. I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along without her, even on the other side, and I would hope that she would not know how to get along without me.

My dear friends of the Relief Society, whatever your circumstances, wherever you may live, may the windows of heaven be opened and blessings come down upon you. May you live with love one for another. May you reach down to lift up those whose burdens are heavy. May you bring light and beauty to the world and particularly into your homes and into the lives of your children.

You know as I do that God our Eternal Father lives. He loves you. You know as I do that Jesus is the Christ, His immortal Son, our Redeemer. You know that the gospel is true and that heaven is near if we will cultivate it in our lives.

You are the Relief Society of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is no other organization to equal it. Walk with pride. Hold your heads up. Work with diligence. Do whatever the Church asks you to do. Pray with faith. You may never know how much good you accomplish. Someone's life will be blessed by your effort. May you know the comforting, rewarding embrace of the Holy Spirit, I pray in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

NOTE

1. Quoted from J. E. McCulloch, Home: The Savior of Civilization (1924), 42; in Conference Report, Apr. 1935, 116.